Monday, November 28, 2011

Yay for fat!

I have now been doing my treatments for 17 days. That is 17 pokes with a needle. 17 "oh nuts!! Here we go again"s. 17 times of saying "THIS SUCKS!!". It's gotten old already. I'm tired of it. Here is the beginning of a blog entry I started a few days ago:
Tonight will be my third night of treatments.  I'm really not looking forward to it.  Ok, I'm flat out dreading it.  Every time I do it, it makes me more anxious about doing it again.  This sucks.  I can tell my my inner four year old wants to make an appearance and throw a tantrum.  <sigh>
Cory interrupted at that point and said it was time to do the treatment.  I didn't get around to finishing the entry. This blog thing is kind of difficult. It's actually quite a challenge for me to just put my true thoughts and feelings out for the entire world to see. I feel kinda naked! I don't want to be pitied or judged. I really don't want you to feel sorry for me. The two things that have been a blessing from God through this are 1) my support network of friends and family and 2) a sense of humor. Without both of those I would be most certainly in a world of despair. So, I'm alright. Not loving it by any means, but enduring it as best we can together and with a smile, however crazy that smile may look.
Now, about the treatments...I can't help but roll my eyes when I think of it. Who's brilliant idea was this?! I mean really! This is 2011 and still the most effective MS treatment is a daily punishment? Are you kidding me? There is an oral pill on the market but that's kind of a "coming out with your bazookas blazing" sort of treatment. The side affects are pretty crazy and definitely not worth the risk. I'm at the "peering around the corner with the pellet gun" stage. Hopefully we never need the heavy artillery.
Before starting these treatments I held onto the hope that I was getting all worked up for nothing and I'd look back and chuckle about my first few times doing it. Noooo. I do chuckle a little, but it's more because I was a bit naive and overly hopeful. This really does suck. It sucked then and it still sucks now, 16 days later. Booooo! I think if anything, it's harder for me now to muster up the courage to do it because now I really know what to expect and I can see that this isn't getting any better. Craaaaaap! I am so completely sick and tired of pulling on my big girl pants! They're worn out!
Here is my routine: I lay out all my fixins'.

Then I sit there grumbling and glaring at it for a little while. Finally, I suck it up and get it over with. I hate that I do this eeeveeeryyy single day. I hate that I have to do this to my body. I hate that I hate it. It's really not the actual injecting that I hate. It's the after effects. I'll get to that in a minute. 
After I do the injection I mark the injection site on my little chart thing like this:
 About 30 seconds after the injection, THIS happens:
No, not getting random glitter on my skin. The blob of "ugh!!" next to the circle. Yeah, that's normal according to the drug company. I'm sorry but I disagree. And that's just the beginning too! About a minute after the injection, it stings like any old shot you've had at the doctor's office. Then, the liquid fire under the skin kicks in and makes me want to chew my arm off. It swells up and looks like I'm smuggling some sort of small creature under my skin. It's weird and gross and painful. I do not have enough excess skin for this type of malarky to take place, ok? It usually swells to about the size of a golf ball, but doesn't protrude from the skin quite that far. It's really just under the skin and super sensitive and tough in that area. It's like a nasty bruise under the skin. Oh, and it emits heat too. Lovely. You don't realize how often things come into contact with your arms and legs until you start giving yourself injections that take a day or longer to recover from. The arms are the absolute worst. It's administerd towards the back of the top part of the arm in the fatty area. Well, when you put a golf ball under the skin up there, it's pretty uncomfortable to move the arms around. The stomach is the best place. It still swells up a bit, but not nearly as bad. I never dreamed I'd be thankful for a little extra flubber around the midsection. On stomach day I think "yay for fat!" to myself. Weirdo. Hmph how odd that we can come to appreciate certain funkier sides of ourselves when they're put to a better use. I'd certainly love to lose a little weight, but dear Lord, I am so glad I've got a little extra to go around right now. So, this year I am even more thankful for all the food I've consumed. I'm grateful for every pizza, donut, and cookie that lingers on my tummy. Yay for fat!

1 comment:

  1. Enjoyed your post. Although I hate that you're going through all this, your courage, strength, sense of humor and ability to tell any story well have always amazed me. It's wonderful to see YOU shine through!