Sunday, October 23, 2011

Here it is

I have been toying with the idea of a blog for a while. It seems like such a great outlet of expression, but every time I've sat down to write, I go blank. I realized tonight it's the vulnerability of just laying it all out there for the world to see that's getting me. Well, here it is. Here is the story of me in all its flawed, fabulous, and frightening glory.
I've titled this "Dumpling's Diaries" as a nod to my late Grandmother. This blog is about my journey with multiple sclerosis and at times will probably be unpleasant. My Grandmother's name for me since I was a toddler was her Strawberry Dumpling.  She'd given me a piece of dumpling dough to keep me busy and instead of playing with it I wrapped it around a strawberry and ate it! Weird, I know, but when I hear it or see it, I feel warm and am reminded of love. So, even if I have to loathe the things I write about, at least the name makes me smile.
Most people who know me probably aren't aware yet of this whole "MS saga" we're going through. It's not because I don't want people to know exactly. It's more of a "this has been a journey that's been hard to keep up with then suddenly here we are" kind of thing. Plus, let's face it, it's kind of a buzz kill. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or feel awkward about it. I'm just me... 
Along the way with this blog I'll try and fill in the holes of how we've gotten to this point. The bottom line is that last fall I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. We have come (kicking and screaming, heels dug in) to the point in the road where we (I) will start treatments. The treatment is a daily injection called Copaxone. This is supposed to help slow the progression of the disease. I am seriously not looking forward to this. I have researched the treatment until I’ve beaten the ever loving crap out of that dead horse. I know it’s not supposed to hurt. I know the side effects are usually minimal. I know this is what I need to do…but. But I just reeeeeaaaalllly don’t want to do this. I hate the idea of doing this every single day for the rest of my life. I hate the uncertainty that this may not work. I hate admitting this disease into our lives. I think ultimately that’s why we’ve held back on the treatments thus far is because right now it feels like a resignation that yes, this is really real. Dangit.
So, here we are. I should get a call from the drug company this week to schedule a time for the nurse to come show me and Cory how to administer the treatments. I can’t wait to just get it over with. As many reasons I can give why I don’t want to do this, I have a million reasons why I need to. I am terrified of what this disease can do to me. I don’t want Sweet Pea (our daughter) or Cory to watch me deteriorate. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. And I dang sure don’t want this disease to take me out without a fight. <deep breath> I think I’m ready.

3 comments:

  1. You are ready!! You are a strong, amazing woman, who has wonderful people standing by your side!
    I'm so glad you started a blog! I will definately look forward to reading your entries!
    :-)

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  2. I'm so glad you've started this blog. I love the name. Grandmother would be very pleased. She was always so proud of you.

    I know this has been a tough journey, but it's nothing you're not up for, especially with the likes of Cory and Sweet Pea behind you. We love you and everybody that knows you knows NOTHING takes you on without a fight.

    It is what it is. You are who you are. You win.

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  3. I totally love the idea of the blog. It will serve many purposes for you but for those of us who love you, it will allow us to stay up to date. I agree with Oma; you are who you are...and you aren't MS, you're Sarah!!

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